Thursday, November 14, 2024.
I get in my car at 11:30 a.m., ready to drive the three hours to Bingen, WA, for The Morrígan Immersion.
I was accepted to this program in May, but my anticipation for this stretches back to October 2023, when Courtney Weber first mentioned planning it at the "That Witch Life" table at Pagan Pride in Tacoma, WA.
I couldn't believe I finally made it to this point.
"Listen," Herself commanded me.
On the way to The Society Hotel (and the preliminary massage and sound healing I'd booked to decompress after the long drive,) I listened to Lora O'Brien reading the Táin Bo Cúailgne on the Irish Pagan School YouTube Channel. I had all the caffeine and chocolate I could desire for the afternoon.
As I neared my destination, I passed a large stone jutting out of the earth, a stunning waterfall, and an enormous rainbow. These visages seemed eerily fitting for the exact timing of the voice message I was recording in an attempt to process my racing thoughts out loud.
After unlocking years of stored trauma in my hips with the sounds of bowls and rattles, checking into my dormitory-esque bunk at the Society Hotel, and finally letting out my wrapped curls protected from the torrential downpour of the Pacific Northwest, I opened the door to our first group dinner.
I was greeted with enthusiasm, warmth, and the smell of a rich, home-cooked meal. Fellow attendees laughed and hugged each other, and our collective Spotify playlist filled the air with inspirational anthems.
It was a beautiful start to a transformational weekend
That night, we were tasked to write letters to ourselves at the end of the weekend.
Mine reads:
Dear Cawnawyn
You belong. You belong in the Tuath.
You are pursuing right relationship.
It can really just be about you and your transformation. Your healing.
No one is keeping score.
The work is good enough.
It is up to you, and you are capable.
Love, me
Friday, November 15, 2024
Shit got real. Real fast.
"Release," Herself commanded of me.
I wasn't anticipating the first day to tackle my most challenging questions, but after going around in verbal circles with the facilitators about "WHAT is the end?" and "What is all 'the work' even FOR?" before 11:00 am, I found myself digging holes with my fingernail into the side of my hand to keep from crying in front of the group. "Focus on the pain," I told myself.
I listened to the facilitators echo my same frustrations with uncertainty and fatigue. When I felt my energetic boundaries dissolve and the emotions well up inside me, I stepped outside for fresh air.
And I found a stone. I grounded myself in the earth, felt the wind, listened, and remembered my letter to myself from the night before.
Pursuing the WILL to live was enough reason to try to keep living.
This thought comforted me. At that moment, I realized that, in the face of uncertainty, "the work" WAS the remedy (for me, anyway).
Life makes sense as long as I keep my head down and put one foot in front of the other.
"Just keep moving," I tell myself.
That night, I spent some time alone in the Sanctuary. I recorded the Full Moon Forecast for the gorgeous Taurus Full Moon conjunct Uranus, finding newfound energy in my work as an astrologer. I then sang the second movement of The Phantom Queen as an offering to Her in our sacred space.
We reconvened after dinner, and I was thrilled to hear that our next assignment is to write poetry in the style of Rosc.
The assignment was to write a poem in response to/directed at an oppressive force. This is a characteristic of the ancient poetry spoken by The Morrígan. My mind immediately went to the new era of Pluto in Aquarius, beginning a few days later, on November 19th, 2024. Pluto will remain in Aquarius until 2044.
You can watch a performance of this poem on my Instagram/TikTok/YouTube channels.
Suffering, Equal
by Cawnawyn Mor
piercing flesh
flesh on steel
steel from scorn
scorn from servitude
resentment breeds starvation
starvation craves spotlight
spotlight begets judgment
verdict demands suppression
idols create falsehoods
falsehoods demand obedience
rulers lay waste
mobs beg nourishment
opponents merciless
influence, a disease
insatiable bloodthirst
craving for carnage
justice drowned
horror beneath surface
muffled screams of children
laid bare to lechery
nakedness disregarded
bloodshed ravished
obedience outstanding
new masters rise
heavy are baskets
laden with heads
bowels undone
victory in annihilation
towers collapse
dust clears
youth strangled
by hands of kin
what is truth
truth is suffering
suffering equal
equality false
falsehoods illuminated
lights of hope
hope in whispers
whispers shepherd change
change woven
material of rebirth
laughter of infants
birth to death
what is end
where is beginning
suffering in surrender
surrender in peace
The day's realizations and inner transformation inspired me to write another poem that evening. You can watch a performance of this poem on my Instagram/TikTok/YouTube channels as well.
Standing Stone
by Cawnawyn Mor
world sits
stone stands
enduring punishment
beaten by wind
etched in story
tortured in time
time as landscape
landscape treacherous
cragged edge
sharp tongue
rejoice in pain
world aches
longing for spirit
standing portal
portal in space
space for loss
loss made bearable
bearing is known
unknown landscape
work is remedy
heart of stone
live to endure
Saturday, November 16, 2024
"Trust," Herself commanded of me.
I took comfort in the grounding energy of the standing stone.
I was privileged to be surrounded by people pursuing their own transformations and sharing their personal stories.
I was challenged to consider what acting with "Sovereign Judgement" might look like when put into practice in my own life.
I was cleansed (or soaked) in the rainwater of the Columbia Gorge on a waterfall tour, and it felt like we were met with each wild aspect of the Morrígan in the chosen locations.
I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be sitting behind Lora O'Brien and Jon O'Sullivan in a van, sharing in conversation and having the opportunity to share the deep appreciation I have for the work they do.
That night, we were tasked with a final letter to ourselves.
Mine reads:
Dear Cawnawyn
You are supposed to be here.
You are a pillar.
A standing stone.
Strong, rooted, acting as support and a portal to healing and transformation.
You may feel weary, weathered, and lonely, but Trust that this lifetime can truly just be about saving yourself.
And music saves.
And the stone endures.
And nothing but your own mind will keep you from enduring the rising waters.
The doubt, fear, and shame that sabotages you is the only thing making this river of life impossible to cross; your mind holds the key to getting your feet unstuck from the mud.
Trust that when faced with uncertainty, the work is remedy.
Trust in your Sovereign Judgement.
Trust in the Work.
Trust in your Voice.
Your Voice is your Weapon.
The Process is what this is meant to be, and there is nothing that you are incapable of pursuing.
Sunday, November 17, 2024
I hate goodbyes; I never know what to say.
I remembered to "Trust."
I found my courage and shared some of my beliefs and feelings with others in a way I had not previously felt comfortable enough with. I will cherish the gifts I received in response forever.
During the three-hour drive home, my mind wandered to what acting in Sovereign Judgment might look like in the coming weeks and months.
When I returned home to my husband and my kids, I felt remarkably different in body, mind, and soul.
The same image of Her repeatedly comes to mind: standing next to the stone in the windy landscape of time...
Present Day
There is so much more... so much more I could say.
The Morrígan was a core part of every second of this experience, yet much of this written reflection centers around my temporary human existence.
Still...
I am so grateful to each of my fellow attendees for their courage, openness, and genuine kindness I felt from everyone.
I don't have the language to express my gratitude to Courtney, Carla, Lora, and Jon. I find myself hanging on their words, replaying their stories and lessons, and reliving the profound moments that took my breath away and shook the ground beneath me.
As for Herself, I've renewed my promises, amended agreements, and given myself the space to consider what moving forward looks like. The devotion I feel for Her runs beyond the blood in my body.
Life doesn't look the same. The greatest fear I shared on the first night was that nothing would change after this.
Everything has changed after this.